Valentine’s Greetings for 2007

ValentineThe old-fashioned ‘sugar and spice’ Valentine’s Greetings from years past just don’t seem right to me anymore. Maybe we’re too sophisticated and cynical for that saccharine pap nowadays. Maybe we’re just too jaded to care about anything. Maybe it’s just me. I dunno.

In any case, here are some original greetings you can use on your Valentine’s Day cards this year.

Somehow, they seem to convey contemporary feelings more accurately than those syrupy poems from the days of yore. See what you think.


For Teacher

You’re overworked and underpaid,
Three times divorced and can’t get laid
By any man who’s your own age,
So meet me by the batting cage!
-I don’t CARE about our 17 year age difference,
[Your Name Here]

To My Beloved Victim in the Dungeon Under the Shed

I saw six murders on TV last night
But the CSIs got the clues all right,
I’m glad the good ones are on TV,
‘Cause the real-world guys just can’t catch me!
-Your Loving But Merciless Tormentor
[Your Pseudonym Here]

For a Male Friend From a Real Man Who’s Absolutely Sure About His Sexual Orientation

I don’t really love you
I’m sorry to say.
You’re attractive enough
But I don’t swing that way.
-Yours in Masculine Camaraderie,
[Your Name Here]

To My Online Dating MatchMate©

Your Playmate© photo quite intrigued me,
Your millions in the bank so pleased me,
I can’t wait to see and feel and hear ya,
When you come to visit from Nigeria!
-Here’s Hoping You Got the Cash Transfer Okay,
[Your Name and Bank Account Number Here]

For My Goth Vampyre Lady

Your hair is black, as are your nails,
Your eyelids, and your ponytails,
Your skin’s chalk white, your lips blood red,
Let me bite your neck, my dear undead!
-In Count Dracula’s Unholy Name,
[Your Name Here]

For My Online Sweetie

Wh3n w3 41M y0u m4k3 m3 5w00n,
3v3ry 71m3 w3 m337 1n 0ur pr1v473 ch47 r00m.
Y0u m4k3 m3 5w347, 4nd p4n7, 4nd 516h,
1 h0p3 y0u’r3 n07 4 62-y34r-0|d 6uy!
-Hoping Beyond Hope,
[Your Name Here]

For My Loving Husband, Just Home From Iraq

You lost both legs, an arm, an ear,
When that IED exploded in Iraq, my dear.
But though insurgents blew you apart,
I love what’s left of you, sweetheart.
-Your Loving Wife,
[Your Name Here]


Feel free to add your own Valentine’s Greetings in the comments.

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One Comment on “Valentine’s Greetings for 2007”

  1. Snoopy D Says:

    What a new-age poet you are….funny though I still prefer the sappy stuff.
    l…Deb


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